Back then the holy grail of poker tournaments, the WSOP (World Series of Poker) main event, was a spectacle that garnered substantial media coverage and had many young hopefuls glued to the action. Everyone pictured themselves one day taking their seat at those Vegas tables to compete for the golden bracelet along with the mountain of cash literally wheelbarrowed out and dumped onto a table for all to see.  It was quite the spectacle.  Now in 2017, the main event has come and went with almost no attention paid.  Scott Blumstein won the coveted title and over 8 million dollars in the third largest tournament ever held in regards to the prize pool.  So why does nobody give a shit?  Mostly because the game has been taken from us and the common man can no longer hold onto the glimmer of hope that one day, that could be them.

There use to be this dichotomy between the old school pros and the online amateurs that made you watch and root for the underdog.  When online poker was made illegal in the US on April 15, 2011 (also known as Black Friday) we lost the influx of amateurs that created this rivalry.  This made it hard to tune in solely to see the results of hands involving players we can no longer identify with.  So I’m here to make poker great again.  Here to inject a boost of entertainment that will compliment the drama of big prizes and high stakes hands.  How would I do this? Glad you asked.

I suggest the WSOP change the format of the main event. The tournament runs for way too long and while out playing opponents is tough, I feel we need to add some additional obstacles to really challenge the mental strength and stamina of the field.  I believe my suggestions will do just that as well as add considerable entertainment value for the viewers.  Let me first start by giving you a brief run down of the current format.  Players are broken into 3 groups (A, B, and C) that each play on only 2 of the first 6 days of the tournament.  The surviving players of these groups will be combined into one field after 6 days and proceed to battle it out until one person has all the chips. Every day 5 levels are played each lasting 2 hours with a 20 minute break after each level and a 90 minute break in the middle.  14 days later we finally crown a champion after 90% of fans have inevitably lost interest.

So here is what I suggest to fix everything.  Rent out a convention center, set it up like a poker room, and gather the entire field on day 1. The tournament should start at 8 A.M. everyday and run for 18 hours straight with only three five-minute breaks provided throughout the day.  Increase the levels to 3 hours a piece and advance 6 levels each day.  This year’s tournament reached level 43 so by my calculations that makes for approximately a 7 day tournament.  This is about half the length of the old boring format and just enough for the body and mind to really start to fall apart.  These format changes would make the tournament a grueling test of endurance and mental stamina adding a whole new element to the game of poker.  The importance of time and resource management would increase significantly.  You can leave the table any time you like but the blinds keeps running and your stack continues to dwindle the longer you are away.  At the end of the day you are provided a 6 hour break where you can sleep, party, stock up on resources, or do whatever you’d like.  Just remember you have limited free time and the blinds start running early the next morning.  This would turn the tournament into absolute chaos and introduce a litany of new strategies, challenges, and obstacles that I intend to address.

PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS

The use of performance enhancing drugs or PED’s would increase exponentially and frankly should be encouraged.  Instead of crushing alcohol, players will be loading up on caffeine while feasting on uppers and amphetamines such as cocaine, adderall, and crystal meth in an attempt to stay sharp and awake for the 18 hour marathon sessions.  Not only would this stimulate the players while adding more craziness and unpredictability to their character, but this would also serve the purpose of stimulating the drug dealing economy in the self-proclaimed City of Sin.  A perfect win win for everyone. The mind altering substances would provide endless entertainment as players erratic behavior would amplify with every bump of mystery powder they attempt to sneak at the tables.  Announcers would speculate about what they just secretly shoved up their nose and twitter polls would be held to see what the audience thought.  Just remember these substances are still illegal and discretion is advised as there is no immunity from the law.

One huge obstacle with this strategy is the 6 hour break period.  You’re going to have to stay high and just keep partying because you can’t take the risk of crashing.  Crashing will inevitably cause you to over sleep and never fully regain your senses once you do finally get back to the table.

Another problem with this approach arises if you make it deep into the tourney.  The more experienced drug users can probably handle a solid 3 day bender before falling apart but that won’t get you half way through the competition.  Management and dosing are going to play a key role if you intend to go this route.  Always remember, everything in moderation.

FOOD & BATHROOM BREAKS

In my eyes the issues that arise with food and bathroom breaks go hand in hand.  After all what goes in one end must come out the other (unless you’ve consumed too much cocaine which can cause serious constipation). You only have three five-minute breaks to take care of both throughout the day so you need to think ahead and get crafty.  One suggestion would be pack a cooler since eating at the table is permitted.  This comes with it’s own perils as stealing and poisoning of food will certainly come into play.  Keep one eye one your cards and one on your supplies.

I suggest the WSOP hire some food trucks and hot dog stands for the parking lot.  This will allow players to grab a quick bite and get back to the tables while missing only minimal action.  Just be careful because as we all know food trucks are notorious for causing mud butt which could lead to missing significant tourney time.  Irritable bowels could deliver a death sentence to your tournament due to frequent lengthy bathroom breaks so you must be cautious with what you eat.

Now that we have touched on food consumption and the problems that can arise, let’s address bathroom arrangements.  If you’re a real baller you rent out your own RV like Daniel Negreanu and setup outside the convention center for a luxurious private getaway when the moment strikes.  If you don’t have that kind of cash it might be worth it to just rent your own private porta potty and plop that shit in the parking lot (pun intended).  My final and most affordable suggestion would be grab some cocktail napkins, hit the parking lot and squat.  Just don’t get caught…

Foresight is imperative because you don’t want to be fighting for the public restrooms during the 5 minute breaks.  There will be thousands of other players looking to relieve themselves in the same short time frame.  These breaks will be sheer pandemonium with crowds of players competing for limited resources resembling hoards of zombies from The Walking Dead.  The area outside the bathrooms will transform into an arena filled with fights, close calls, and embarrassing messes.  Sounds like a recipe for great television.

SLEEP

Managing your sleep will be very important if you want to stay sharp for the full seven days.  There are many elements you must juggle in order to do this efficiently.  First and foremost you need to think about where you plan to lay your head at night.  The best solution as I stated earlier might be get your own RV and leave it in the lot.  Since that is not affordable for everyone each player needs to consider the time it takes to get to and from their hotel.  If it takes 30 minutes each way then you can get a max of 5 hours sleep as long as you pass out immediately and sleep until the moment you need to wake up. Realistically it will take some time to fall asleep and get ready in the morning so let’s say this cuts another hour. Now we’re down to 4.  But what if you didn’t eat enough and need some food in the morning or at night?  That’s another 30 minutes to an hour out of your time.  Now we’re down to 3 hours on a good night.  Some of this field will be too lit off uppers to fall under the spell of the Sandman at all.  Those players will average a solid zero hours of sleep a night until they inevitably crash and let their stack disappear to the blinds.

Surviving on this amount of sleep will certainly affect your decision-making at the tables so management must be taken seriously.  Sleep deprivation is real people.  You’re not going to play your best if you’re at the table looking and acting like Ed Norton in Fight Club.

Thinking outside the box, you could leave the table early or show up late but the blinds will be hitting you the whole time.  Do this early on and you’ll be fighting out of a hole.  Do this later when the blinds are bigger and you might see your stack disappear down to practically nothing.

As a side note, you have to think a lot of slobs will choose sleep over shower.  That convention center is going to be pretty rank the further into the tourney we go.  Ignoring the smell provides another challenge and obstacle for our competitors to overcome.  On the other hand, If you are the smelly guy use it to your advantage as a weapon that can distract your opponents.

CONCLUSION

So as you see, altering the format will bring in all types of elements that will prove to be great for television.  It will become everyone’s favorite 7 day reality TV show filled with fights, drugs, health problems, and drama complimented by a prize pool of almost $68 million to be distributed amongst the strongest competitors. Sounds like a perfect program to follow MTV’s The Challenge.  Honestly though poker on television has lost it’s entertainment value.  The money and drama are there, we just need good characters and storylines to get back on board.  You have my suggestions WSOP.  Holler.