The NBA is a league that seems to truly care about its fans and their entertainment.  In stark contrast to the NFL a.k.a. the No Fun League, the NBA allows their players to showcase their personalities through signature moves and traditions that are loved by the fans.  From Lebron’s STOLEN pregame powder toss (Michael Jordan’s pre-game ritual) to Dikembe’s finger wag these rituals have not only been tolerated but encouraged for years. Fuck, they probably loved the recent Shaq vs. Javale Mcgee feud which almost felt as if it were orchestrated by Vince McMahon himself.  The point is the NBA seems to understand that the industry is all about entertainment and they have generally been intelligent enough to embrace that.

Although they do a great job of allowing players to display their personas and build their brand I see another opportunity to add entertainment value while engaging their fans.  For years now the stands at games have been dominated by the same old, stale, antiquated chants of which most fans have become weary.  Every arena echoing “DEFENSE, DEFENSE!” or “LET”S GO WHOEVER THE FUCK!” accompanied by a clapping sequence that reminds me more of a enthusiastic game of schoolyard patty cake than a war chant suited for the athletic battle field.  I think it’s about time franchises shook shit up and started tailoring their chants to compliment the star players on their team or rattle the star players on opposing teams.  With the overwhelming amount of media that we are inundated with on a daily basis there is no shortage of catchy references that fans can easily relate to.  Below is a list of suggestions for each team that can enhance the experience for the viewer.  Clearly some of these are more practical and appropriate than others.  Pay attention to the start and stop times listed above the videos and if you think I missed on any of these or you have a suggestion of your own, speak up in the comments.

Hawks – Dwight Howard

Dwight is likely to appear at or near the top of any list of the most disliked NBA players.  Now having left 3 cities on bad terms (Orlando, Los Angeles, Houston) he has gained a reputation as one of the most insufferable players in the league.  Because of this, I think opposing teams should capitalize on this generally accepted hatred.  The sound bite below should be used in every opponents stadium when Dwight misses a free throw, which we all know is a pretty common occurrence.

The Office (:12 – :14)

Celtics – Isaiah Thomas

While Speedy Gonzalez may be one of the least PC cartoon characters of all time, I can’t help but think of the tiny stereotype riddled mouse whenever I see Thomas carving up the defense.  After a quick move to the bucket I’d like to hear the loudspeaker along with the crowd scream “Andale, Andale, Arriba, Arriba”.  Also Speedy Gonzalez might not be a bad nickname for him.

Speedy Gonzalez

Nets – Jeremy Lin

Jeremy Lin has a flare for the dramatic whenever he plays.  Sometimes this results in a spectacular play and sometimes this results in embarrassment.  When he pulls it off I’d like to see him rewarded with his own catch phrase.  This is where we use one of the best characters from Wedding Crashers, Todd, screaming one of the movies’ best lines.

Wedding Crashers (:07  – :09)

Also maybe the intro to “Jeremy” by Pearl Jam when he enters the game cause its just a project bad ass intro.

Pearl Jam – Jeremy (Stop at :23)

Hornets – Kemba Walker

The Charlotte Hornets already beat me to the idea for Kemba Walker Texas Ranger.  They created the video below as a bid on the part of Walker for the all star game in 2017.  Now they should utilize the clip during in game situations.  Show the picture in the first 5 seconds of the video while playing the accompanying music track whenever Kemba heads to the line for a 3 point play.  While Kemba is already an imposing matchup, associating him with Chuck Norris can only intimidate opponents to a further extent.

Kemba Walker Charlotte Ranger (Stop after first 5 seconds)

Bulls – Jimmy Butler

Big shoutout to my boy Dutch on this one.  From the classic mob hit Goodfellas, an enthusiastic and overjoyed scream of “JIMMMMMYYYYY!!” by Ray Liota after the infamous Lufthansa heist.  This would be a perfect soundbite after any big Jimmy Butler play.  Not only would it get the crowd hyped, but it would also be easy for the fans to participate in the chant and pretty funny as well.  Don’t even ask me “Funny How?”

Goodfellas (:10 – :16)

Cavaliers – Lebron James

James and Joffrey have similar demeanors so it only seemed fitting to pair these two divas together.  After any foul call that Lebron disagrees with or big dunk he throws down this would work.  Lebron may not like it, but honestly who gives a shit?

Game of Thrones

Mavericks – Dirk Nowitzki

Dirk Nowitzki is such a legend in Dallas that they should honor him before every home game.  Having just passed 30,000 points all in a Mavs uniform, he certainly deserves it.  I think they should play this clip from the porno themed hit Boogie Nights during pregame introductions.  Just replace the Digglers with Nowitzkis and it’s pretty much a perfect fit.  Plus I bet Nowitzki is packing too.

Boogie Nights (:19 – :58)

Nuggets – Nikola Jokic

This might be one of the more reasonable suggestions on the list.  Jokic is one of the best up and coming players that most people know nothing about.  Already possessing a great nickname as “The Joker” it is easy to come up with suggestions for a media pairing using everyones favorite Batman villain.  I think the best suggestion is Mark Hammill’s Joker laugh from the 90’s cartoon after every blocked shot.   There’s nothing more demoralizing than that laugh after getting your shot stuffed back down your throat.

Batman: The Animated Series

Pistons – Andre Drummond

Andre Dummond is a player that relies on his size, strength, athleticism, and intensity when he steps on the floor.  As one of the most intimidating rim protectors and rebounders in the league he has to go all out in order to be effective.  Luckily the show “The League” has a character with the same name who has all of the same qualities that Drummond brings to the court. I mean this was almost too easy, they are basically a spitting image of each other as you can see below.

The League

Warriors – Kevin Durant

When Durant is entering into the game the other team should be scared due to his talent alone.  The blood curdling scream from Kevin’s mom in “Home Alone” is a good compliment to his imposing talent when he is checking back onto the court.  That screech is the stuff nightmares are made of and is likely to induce goosebumps in even the most hardened of opponents.

Home Alone

Rockets – James Harden

From one of the most quotable movies of all time you gotta throw in this classic from Happy Gilmore for the man known as “The Beard”.  I considered just throwing all the beard jokes from knocked up on a loop but I thought this was more practical as an in game chant.  This is a soundbite that could be used after any big Harden play.

Happy Gilmore

As a bonus, here are all of the beard jokes from knocked up

Knocked Up

Pacers – Paul George

This may be my favorite suggestion on the entire list.  Pulled from the episode of Seinfeld where George begins talking in the third person, we have been gifted hilarious possible chants for Paul George.  Whenever he makes an exciting play I want to hear “George likes his chicken spicy”.  The fans would love it and the merchandise sales would be out of this world.

Seinfeld

As a bonus when Paul George gets a tech I’d like to hear “George is getting upset” from the same episode.

Seinfeld

Clippers – Blake Griffin

The soundbite for Blake Griffin comes from one of the most outrageous scenes ever aired on television.  From the Comedy Central hit Workaholics, we find this disturbing scene of the three amigos jerking off in way too close and uncomfortable quarters.  At one point Adam asks  “Can I come in your zone Blake?” to which Blake replies “No one is coming in my zone muchacho”.  Drop that interaction whenever Blake Griffin blocks a shot accompanied by the following sound made by Adam just for comedic effect. Not sure you can include the image on the big screen for this one though.  By the way, if you’ve never seen the entire scene before I recommend watching it.  Absolutely ridiculous and guarantees a laugh.  My apologies for not being able to get this to embed. Click on the link –> Car Crank Session to watch.

Workaholics (1:44 – 1:51)

This clip couldn’t fit Russell any better following the Nick Young scandal from last season.  Russell was labeled a snitch and a shitty teammate after the leaked video went viral, and the incident is still the most memorable part of his NBA career thus far.  That’s why Stringer Bell telling him to shut his mouth is the perfect soundbite.  It should be played when Russell is in opposing arenas whenever he is seen talking or complaining on the court.  Fun fact, Stringer’s first name on The Wire is actually Russell.  What an amazing coincidence!!!

The Wire (5:42 – 5:44)

Grizzlies – Marc Gasol

The opening to this 90’s track will get the crowd fired up when introducing the Grizzlies at home games.  With Marc Gasol as one of the star players on this squad, this is a perfect way to introduce him and the rest of the team a.k.a. The Funky Bunch.

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch – You Gotta Believe (Stop at :09)

My only change would be after the intro where Marky Mark introduces himself and the rest of the squad, the arena switches the track up to “Good Vibrations”.  Honestly I think we can all agree that “Good Vibrations” is an absolute banger.

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch – Good Vibrations

Heat – Hassan Whiteside

Had to dig deep for this one.  Surprisingly there are not a lot of media references using the name Hassan or Whiteside.  What I did find is an old movie named “Christmas With Mr. Whiteside” about a sharp witted old man.  This movie provided the perfect line to accompany any Whiteside alley-oop.

Christmas with Mr. Whiteside (2:20 – 2:24)

Bucks – Giannis Antetokuompo

There are so many options for Giannis with a great nickname like “The Greek Freak”.  With a plethora of fire songs that can be played for one of the most dynamic players in the game it was hard to choose just one.  After thinking long and hard I settled on “The Freaks Come Out At Night” by Whodini.  Rick James “Superfreak” and Chic “Le Freak” were close runner ups.  let me know if you think I picked right or if I’m overlooking any solid alternatives.

Whodini – Freaks Come Out At Night (:14 – :28)

Timberwolves – Karl-Anthony Towns

Towns proved last season in his rookie of the year campaign that he is pretty much unstoppable when out on the hardwood.  He has become one of the most dominant players as both a real life and fantasy monster.  The only thing that seems to be able to slow him down is foul trouble which is incredibly frustrating when you have him in your DFS lineup.  That’s why this moment from Dazed and Confused is perfect to express your frustration when he is forced to the bench due to foul trouble. For some reason the site will only allow me to embed a gif.  Click –> Dazed & Confused – Damn You Carl to listen to the clip.

Dazed and Confused

As a bonus clip I’d also like to be able to figure out how to work in Rick’s “Coral” call out from the Walking Dead.  It always gets a laugh out of me when I hear the English actor mispronounce Carl’s name while attempting a Southern accent.

The Walking Dead (:04 – :12)

Pelicans – Anthony Davis/Demarcus Cousins

Besides his outstanding game, Anthony Davis is most well known for one glaring facial feature, his prominent unibrow.  Somewhat resembling a small furry forest animal, it’s impossible to ignore when seeing a closeup shot of him.  The only other public figure that can match his furry forehead lives on a street we all know and love, Sesame Street.  Yes I’m referring to Bert from the duo Bert and Ernie who conveniently sings a song about his overgrown brow.  I say the Pelicans play “Pop goes the eyebrows” accompanied by that mocking laugh whenever Davis throws down a dunk or blocks a shot just to add a little extra embarrassent to the opponent on the receiving end.

Sesame Street – Pop Go the Eyebrows (1:21 – 1:29)

Keeping with the theme, Demarcus Cousins would make a great Oscar the grouch.  Unfortunately I couldn’t find a fitting Oscar clip that worked for Boogie.  One thing we do know about Cousins is he is guaranteed to get his fair share of technicals no matter who he is playing for.  The Pelicans should embrace this and play the Jackson 5 hit “Blame it on the Boogie” whenever Cousins picks up a tech.

The Jackson 5 – Blame it on the Boogie (:33 – :51)

Knicks – Kristaps Porzingis

After my boy Child pointed out that he bears a stark resemblance to Drago from Rocky lV we decided the famous quote “If he dies, he dies” is perfect for one of the Unicorns signature put back dunks and blocks.  Not only is it a killer line from a top notch villain but it also emphasizes the ferocity of these monstrous plays.

Rocky IV

Also, as the only player I know of to have two Latvian hip hop songs about him, I feel like these need to be utilized in some fashion.  I think if Zingis hits a game winner you play them back to back on repeat until the stadium is entirely cleared out and the clean up crew has hung up their mops for the night.

Transleiteris – #PORZINGIS

Olas – Keep Calm Like Kristaps Porzingis

Thunder – Russell Westbrook

Westbrook might be the most explosive athlete on the face of the planet.  He is a well oiled machine composed of speed, strength, vertical leaping ability, and the uncontainable drive to win.  When he takes off for a dunk, it looks like he defies the laws of gravity.  Another well oiled machine that defies the laws of gravity is the Delorean from one of the best movies of all time, Back to the Future.  That’s why when Westbrook launches into flight I’d like to here the classic line “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads” accompanied by the visual of the Delorean lifting off on the big screen.  A legendary player deserves a legendary movie.

Back to the Future (Start at :03)

Magic – Aaron Gordon

The magic are a team without a real star player to push.  With that being said Aaron Gordon is probably the most marketable player with his high flying acrobatics having been displayed on the All-Star stage. That’s why for Gordon I’ve decided that Keegan-Michael Key’s well known sketch “Substitute Teacher” would be a solid reference.  When Gordon throws down one of his big dunks Orlando should use…

Key and Peele (2:46 – 2:49)

And for any Gordon mistake…

Key and Peele

By the way, the Magic already have the best sound effect with Mario Bros sounds after a Mario Hezonja hits a shot.

76ers – Joel Embiid

When Joel Embiid is on the court he looks like one of the best players in the league.  Unfortunately for the 76ers those times have been scarce in his first 3 years playing only 31 games thus far.  He couldn’t even stay healthy playing a manageable 25 minutes per game this season.  Because of this I think we need to drop the nickname “The Process” and bestow upon him the name “Mr. Glass” from the 2000 hit “Unbreakable”.  If Embiid parts his hair to the side he can even rock the same hair style.

Unbreakable (Start at 2:13)

Suns – Eric Bledsoe

From the other most quotable Sandler movie of all time we find the simple but classic soundbite for Eric Bledsoe.  When Billy is told Eric will take over the company he screams out his name in disdain for the man with the weird balls in such a unique tone that me and my friends have been quoting it for years.  It’s so short and sweet that I think the Suns could make this the official callout whenever Bledsoe drops a bucket.

Billy Madison

Trail Blazers – Damien Lilliard

DMX provides us with the line for Lilliard from one of the best rap albums of the 90’s.  If you grew up in the 90’s It’s Dark and Hell is Hot was bumping in yours and your friends cars as part of a regular rotation.  On one of the best tracks “Damien” X drops a perfect line for whenever Lilliard drops a dime.

DMX – Damien (:49 – :54)

Kings – Buddy Hield

After trading Demarcus Cousins, the Kings are another team that don’t really have a star player to market.  With that in mind, Buddy Hield was the main part of the Cousins trade and should stick around in Sacramento for a while.  For him we can use the beloved Christmas Elf, Buddy, played by Will Ferrell.  Drown out the background noise and use this clip whenever Buddy drains a 3.  I’m more of a Bad Santa guy myself but at least this one is kid approved.

Elf (:02 – :09)

Spurs – Kawaii Leonard

I refuse to come up with any additional entertainment for the Spurs.  Winning for 20 straight years has provided their fans with more than enough entertainment.  On top of that, Kawaii Leonard has almost no personality to accentuate upon and I’m pretty sure Pop wouldn’t allow for any additional nonsense or fun during the game.  Maybe 10 straight hours of crickets chirping is the best way to represent lackluster Leonard and no fun Pop.  If you’re a Spurs fan I suggest you watch the entire video.  It gets really good around the 6 hour mark. 

Raptors – Demar Derozen

Derozen’s nickname growing up was Deebo.  That makes finding his soundbite almost too easy.  Of course we are going to being using everyones favorite jacked up cross-eyed thug from Friday in his most memorable and quotable scene where he knocks Red the fuck out.  Play the menacing Jaws like music when Derozen is checking in and play his emphatic declaration stating “That’s my bike punk!” after one of those thunderous Derozen dunks.  This should serve the purpose of adding a little extra embarassment to whatever scrub just got posterized.

Friday (Music from the first :18.  KO and “That’s my bike punk” from :44 to :52)

Jazz – Gordon Hayward/ Rudy Gobert

This soundclip is so fire they should just play it after Gordon Hayward does anything.  The crowd joining in singing “Flash Ahhhhhh” would become one of the best chants in all of basketball.  He should also double down on this by adopting the nickname “Flash Gordon.”

Queen – Flash (:08 – :15)

Bonus Rudy chant when Gobert is introduced or checks into the game

Rudy (:52 – :58)

Wizards – John Wall

John Wall is easily one of the best players in the game.  In a league spoiled with explosive athletic point guards, Wall still manages to make his mark as a top 5 player at the position.  In honor of the late great Chuck Berry, I thought it would be appropriate to end my list with a tribute to him by assigning one of his best hits to one of the games best players.  That’s why I’m going with “Johnny B. Goode” to represent John Wall whenever he makes a big play right before going into a timeout. Let this shit rock until the game is ready to resume.  It is undoubtably a timeless classic that will get the crowd fired up and signing along.

Chuck Berry – Johnny B. Goode (Start at 1:08)

That concludes my list of suggested chants for every NBA franchise.  Like I said at the start, let me know if you think I missed on any of these or if  you have a suggestion of your own.  Hope you enjoyed the article and I look forward to hearing your feedback.